Candles (1/infinity)
It’s time to stop playing coy and address the reason I started this blog, which is to talk about candles. I have so many candles. I’m sitting at my desk right now and without moving my head I can count six. If I rounded up all the candles in this house it would be a real come to Jesus moment that I don’t ever plan on having. I just love them so much! And not to be a jerk but I don’t mean the Yankee candles your coworker buys for Secret Santa that are like The Beach or A Library*. I fuck with some reeeeeaal bullshit candles, like $65+ things that claim to smell like the northern lights, or asses’ milk after a courtesan’s bath (I made those both up and if you make them, you owe me royalties). Did you ever read Kelly Conaboy’s The Perfect Candle column for The Cut? I felt like Kelly was speaking directly to me.
*Note: no candle ever smells like a library. These candles are imagining some corny fantasy Harry Potter meets Fifty Shades of Gray library that’s just like “leather, pipe tobacco, wood, old books.” Old books smell musty! Quit romanticizing them, you horny wizard virgins! If someone made a candle that actually smelled like a library, I’d want it to smell like the public library of my ’80s childhood: the ozone hum of the microfiche machines; static from that flat no-pile carpet they vacuumed every night; hard modular furniture covered in blue felt; cold water fountain; rubber erasers; paper cuts.
Not that I only like expensive candles! I love bullshit at all price points. And I have so many candle posts I want to write on this blog: the best candles for each season, the best candles for gifts, the best candles that no longer exist. But I think the best way to start is to clear the air and be very transparent about the level that I am candling on. So here you go: here is my damage.
First of all, fancy candle descriptions are straight-up nonsense, like: “Bliss. Avuncular freedom. The whisper of the door in the night. Moonglow, pheasant feather, synergy, oakmoss. $80.” Fancy candles like to claim that they either smell like some very specific event or some very nebulous feeling, and most often they wildly miss the mark. The most played I’ve ever been by a candle was when I read the description for D.S. & Durga’s Concrete After Lightning candle:
“Electric crackle, downpour, panic grass, sizzling asphalt steam. Respite on muggy summer days.” YES, I can smell and even taste that just reading it, sign me up!
My first clue should’ve been that I’ve smelled many D.S. & Durga perfumes and haven’t liked any of them. They’re just not my jam. But this candle description spoke to me and I broke my first rule, which I break all the time: don’t buy it until you’ve smelled it.
I got around my first rule the way I usually do, by asking my husband to buy it for me as a gift. He wrapped it up for my birthday and I tore it open and then had to move it out of the room after ten minutes because it was making my throat close up. It smelled like bug spray. I absolutely hated it. What a dumb expensive hobby I have!
But one time the stars aligned and magic happened and I found my favorite candle ever. It’s also the candle that I’ve spent the most money on ever, which was $95. I will say that I bought it for myself as both an international travel treat and a 40th birthday present, and if you think this is crazy but you’ve ever spent $100 on a concert or sporting event ticket, please take a seat.
For years I read the description online of Frederic Malle’s Cafe Society candle, which claims to evoke the smell of a living room after a Parisian dinner party, and thought, “Yeah, right.”
“A long fur coat slinks through a half-open door on Paris’ rive gauche. A man approaches to gently lift the fur off her shoulders, careful to avoid touching her skin, while a waiter offers her a glass of champagne. Following the music, she steps into the library where friends and lovers whisper in dark corners and lie draped over one another in sensuous heaps on velvet cushions. Patchouli, amber and a hint of lavender carry the festive warmth of a party with your inner circle, and the promise of more to come.”
And then in 2017 I was in London, at my favorite store, Liberty, and I smelled it and… it smells exactly like that. It smells like you’ve been to dinner at a very nice apartment and everyone’s attractive and funny and you’ve had some drinks and the candles have burned down and now it’s 2 am and you’re listening to Chet Baker. Don’t hate me for this, but it smells ephemeral. It smells aspirational. It’s like when you have an amazing dream and wake up and then just lie there with your eyes closed, trying to still be in it. I could huff it all day long and never get enough. I am romantically horny for this candle.
So this is who I am, this is where I’m at. I needed you to know. You can join me on this journey or never speak to me again, and I’ll understand.
Comments are closed.
Jennifer
February 5, 2020 at 9:10 am“Panic grass” is never gonna leave my brain
sarahbrown
February 5, 2020 at 9:15 amSame! Even reading it again now, it tempts me.
kfan
February 5, 2020 at 9:15 amIn future posts can you explore multi-wick candles and those candles with the wicks that crackle like a fireplace. Also let’s have some real candid talk about Target candles (which is where I get 98% of my candles.)
sarahbrown
February 5, 2020 at 9:16 amYes! I definitely have a favorite Target candle, I think it’s $11. Are you pro-crackle or anti? I’ve had one I loved and my parents had one I wanted to murder because it was too loud during a movie.
kfan
February 5, 2020 at 9:24 amI guess I tend to enjoy the crackle wicks yet feel extremely manipulated by them
Jana
February 5, 2020 at 11:35 amI ALSO have a favorite Target candle, and it’s a wood wick crackler. Bonfire nights. Kind of heavy, though, so I burn it sparingly. Also my family says it’s too loud.
Zosia
February 5, 2020 at 8:52 pmThe Bonfire Nights wood wick is my favorite too! It’s actually the only one I burn these days, besides the pumpkin/bonfire/vanilla combo
Jennifer
February 5, 2020 at 9:51 amI have a very favorite candle that is no longer made and I went through the trouble to email the company to find out if 1. they’re ever going to make it again and 2. the would give me the full scent profile so I could attempt to recreate it.
It was a Target holiday candle and I have 1 out of the 20 or so I bought left. I burn it occasionally and I’m already sad for the day that it’s spent.
sarahbrown
February 5, 2020 at 9:51 amWhat was it called? What does it smell like?
Jennifer
February 5, 2020 at 9:59 amIt was by a brand called Mara Mi and the scent was kind of a basic orange/clove/cinnamon holiday jam but there was a really pretty undertone of…..something floral maybe that made it not smell so sweet Christmas-specific. And it was STRONG. It scented my entire two story house, which doesn’t seem to happen with most candles. At the end of that particular Christmas season I must have scoured 10 different Targets to scoop them up on clearance.
I am highly intrigued by the Cafe Society candle and am about 10 mins away from just purchasing it.
sarahbrown
February 5, 2020 at 10:01 amI wonder if you’d like the Beauty Pie Bitter Orange & Blackcurrant candle? It sounds very similar. We have it and I light it like crazy at Christmas. I have a whole Beauty Pie post coming, but their candles are what makes it for me. https://www.beautypie.com/us/candles/bitter-orange-and-blackcurrant-luxury-scented-candle
Jennifer
February 5, 2020 at 11:14 amOoooh. Yes, this sounds like it might be close.
I’m also intrigued by the bergamot & wild basil. I love a bergamot anything!
Jess
February 5, 2020 at 10:07 amMy favorite candle (we also have 6–8 in the living room! I don’t know where this came from I didn’t used to be Candle People!) is KOBO vetiver and shaved vanilla because it smells a) delicious b) exactly like Thierry Mugler Angel perfume, which I used to wear to the goth club in college.
Jess
February 5, 2020 at 10:08 amMore to the point, “Old books smell musty! Quit romanticizing them, you horny wizard virgins!” made me scream
sarahbrown
February 5, 2020 at 10:12 amOoh I really want to smell that now. I stalked a Kobo candle on Amazon for years before pulling the trigger, it’s Tabac and Talc (tobacco, patchouli, talc) but it’s just a tiny bit too sweet for me.
lindsay
February 5, 2020 at 10:21 ami am like this but about perfume!! i want a perfume that smells like this candle
sarahbrown
February 5, 2020 at 10:23 amThe Frederic Malle one? For awhile they sold it as a room spray in a PERFUME GUN, which was like $165 and I still look for on eBay.
Christen
February 5, 2020 at 10:46 amI am a total ho for candles but usually stick to Target but sometimes find something that smells nice at a boutique and then love it and it’s gone forever so back to Target I go for my old stand bys: Cozy Nights and Island Moonlight. They’re about $12 each so I don’t feel crazy buying them regularly but that Frederic Malle one…ooh yes.
sarahbrown
February 5, 2020 at 12:47 pmI am now very tempted to change my Affluent Detritus Twitter bio to “candle ho.”
Christen
February 5, 2020 at 4:35 pmOh please do!
Tracie
February 5, 2020 at 11:20 amFinally the candle content I’ve been waiting for!!!!
Elisabeth
February 6, 2020 at 2:11 pmno offense but this professional photograph of commenter “Tracie” is so professional and beautiful?!!
Jana
February 5, 2020 at 11:38 amListen, my husband works at a public library. The scent notes on that real-life candle would be: “The revolving door spins. Unwashed socks. Scotch tape. The dregs of the employee candy drawer. Cat pee. Influenza A.”
sarahbrown
February 5, 2020 at 11:50 amI almost added “a hint of light sweat” but this is way more real.
Robin Lester Kenton
February 6, 2020 at 12:56 pmAlso work in a public library and can confirm this.
sarahbrown
February 5, 2020 at 12:49 pmNow I can’t stop thinking about how Scotch tape has a smell. This is like a gift.
Mara
February 5, 2020 at 3:12 pmI feel so validated by this post. After YEARS of agonizing/desiring from afar/unbridled curiosity, I bought myself a Feu de Bois Diptique candle. I then promptly died of a combination of shame and deep, deep satisfaction. But now, a few years in and several Feu de Bois candles later, I proudly wear my owner-of-expensive-bullshit-candles badge. I buy them for my girlfriends, for house warmings, and for all the other occasions I wish someone would buy me a goddamned too expensive candle for. This introduction of the Cafe Society candle is intriguing and sounds very much like my jam, and now my Too Expensive Candle Defenses are lowered. Thank you/curse you for this gift.
Norn
February 5, 2020 at 10:27 pmIs there a candle that smells like sharpies and gasoline and oranges and costs $14
sarahbrown
February 7, 2020 at 8:25 amActually I think that DS & Durga one might hit some of those buttons but it’s way more than $14. I’m going to do a roundup of weird candles though, I’ll think of this as I do!
Osmium
February 6, 2020 at 9:54 amI have a bottle of CB I Hate Perfume spray that is called “Library” that I bought in 2013. It’s okay but too strong, like someone shoved a leatherbound book up your nose. It reliably makes me sneeze when I spray it. Can’t seem to part with it though, and will spray it twice a year for the rest of my life, can’t wait.
Osmium
February 6, 2020 at 9:56 amBTW how do I get a picture of myself like all the cool kids?
Robin Lester Kenton
February 6, 2020 at 12:59 pmIt’s in your WordPress profile settings!
sarahbrown
February 6, 2020 at 1:04 pmI’ve bought CB I Hate Perfume room spray in Russian Caravan Tea and Burning Leaves multiple times over the past decade! I really want to buy In the Summer Kitchen once it gets warmer.
Osmium
February 6, 2020 at 4:37 pmI had it in tea and Mr. Hulot’s Holiday, as well as the library. I have some other room spray I bought for $$$ online from England because I got it in a hotel room once. You know something’s classy when it comes from England, man.
Robin Lester Kenton
February 6, 2020 at 12:58 pm“The level I’m candeling on,” “panic grass” – this is my favorite post yet. I’m a sucker for anything with black currant. I feel this way about perfumes- always on the hunt for My Ideal Scent.
sarahbrown
February 7, 2020 at 8:24 amBlackcurrant stuff is so hard to find in the US! In the UK it’s everywhere.
Elisabeth
February 6, 2020 at 2:18 pma) you’re perfect, I love this
b) were we friends when I found a Very Fancy Candle on the street? India Hicks Black Hibiscus. It’s not my favorite scent in the world but it was such a fun sidewalk find.
c) have you seen the Paddywax “library collection” names after dead authors? I love the John Steinbeck scent don’t at me https://paddywax.com/collections/library
sarahbrown
February 7, 2020 at 8:23 amOoh, I’d be very interested in smelling those.
India Hicks used to do a perfume at Crabtree & Evelyn like a decade ago and I LOVED it and then they changed the formula, quit making it altogether, and sold their business so it’s gone to me forever now.
Emily
February 7, 2020 at 7:29 pmI am so, so happy to see this blog! I’ve missed your writing voice. As soon as I read “my fellow Cletuses” I knew it was you!
I haven’t had many candles in the last handful of years because the older child is afraid of fire in any form since an unfortunate oven fire back in ‘17 with an overwhelming fire truck response because my next door neighbor is a fire chief (Six trucks! The fire was already out!), and the almost two year-old yells “HOT!” and “Habboo Birdday!” at candles, which is adorable the first few times but not as adorable the bajillionth time. I can’t wait until you write about the best candle for each season, because one of the times I will be more patient with my son asking if candles can burn an entire house down while his sister yells “HOT” is for that perfect pine-scented candle during the holidays. Smells like trees but also has some other notes so it’s a more complex scent that you could maybe even get away with after the holidays? Does it exist? Im still searching for it. The one I had this year was straight tree smell, but it was forgiven because it was called “Spruce Treesteen, the Boss of X-Mas.”
sarahbrown
February 7, 2020 at 8:39 pmYou know what, my favorite pine-scented candle is the $5 one Trader Joe’s has every December in the little tin. It smells amazing and burns clean and the one tin lasts the holiday season exactly. I’ve had other fancier ones that cost way more (Thymes’ Frasier Fir, for one), but TJ’s is the one I always buy!
Emily
February 7, 2020 at 10:23 pmDang, I walked right by that $5 candle, because apparently I’m a candle snob! I’ve already put “Look for TJ candle” in my calendar for next year.
I hope you’re going to do an entry on scents! A classic scent – maybe semi-famous so I know it will never discontinue, that’s not too cloying and lasts the whole day: the white whale of my beauty routine!
jeff
February 11, 2020 at 2:48 pmmy public library had the COLDEST water fountain I’ve ever experienced! I absolutely tasted it and smelled the library when I read this 🙂
Kate
February 22, 2020 at 2:29 pmI am so, so, so happy you’re writing again (I still have your old blogs in my feed reader even though they pop up with weird spam posts — just in case you reactivate!). I’m also super duper happy you’re writing about CANDLES, which is also a stupid expensive interest of mine. This is seriously the best thing I’ve read all week.