(I will never be able to retire because I can’t stop buying) Tinted lip balms

My two hobbies? Weaknesses? Money holes? Are candles and lip products. I am forever in search of the perfect one and sometimes I find it, but then I like to look a little more, just to be sure. I used to feel guilty about this, but I have very few vices and they are all very tame, so now I don’t. My ideal lip product is a tinted lip balm. I don’t wear a lot of makeup, and I like it to look fairly natural, but my natural lip color is Nothing so the My Lips But Better And Also It Moisturizes is my holy grail. As a result I have many holy grails scattered all over my bathroom, and only some of them were chosen wisely. (I like to organize them with this — hat tip to Whoorl.)

Allow me to share with you, in a very haphazard order, the amazing, the fine, and the absolute trash:

Burt’s Bees Tinted Lip Balm in Red Dahlia: My OG tinted lip balm. This baby was in my purse for a solid decade. It’s very subtle and has a nice flavor and is like $4.49 at Walgreens. I don’t buy it anymore because when I became a woman I put away childish things in favor of $28 bullshit, but I wish it well.

Glossier Generation G: Obviously have to mention this one. I’m not a big Glossier user — my skin is shiny enough on its own and I have no need for stickers. I was not impressed by Generation G’s original formulation (or packaging) when these launched, but the new formulation is a huge improvement (the packaging, still not great). I don’t mind a sheer matte if it works, but so many of them don’t. My big issue with Glossier is none of their Generation G shades look good on my skin tone, but they did a holiday release last year in Cranberry which I loved. I wish they’d make that a regular shade because I’d rebuy regularly. Otherwise, these are just not an option for me.

ColourPop Blotted Lip: The original ColourPop blotted lips, circa 2017, were amazing. They were $6 each and came in a great range of colors and also life was more fun then is the subtext here. I owned maybe 7 of them and was so sad when they stopped making them, hoarding one down to a nub and only using it for “special” occasions. I was fully Havishamming. When they released new ones in late 2021 I was excited and bought Talker, Shook, and Missin’ U, but they’re just not as good as the originals! The new shades are pretty muted and boring, and they have a cheap vanilla scent and flavor now that I could really do without. Also, these feel like $6 tubes because the lids often come off in my bag.

Ilia Balmy Tint: Now we’re talking. I’ve mentioned these on my Instagram before, but I absolutely love these. The color range is beautiful. I own three (Runaway, Lady, and Heartbeats), and am eyeing two more (Wanderlust and Lullaby). I wear Runaway and Lady daily, and Heartbeats more in the summer. They’re so smooth and you can truly build the color without them getting patchy or smeary. They’re closer to a lipstick than a balm but a really moisturizing, creamy one – I don’t ever have to apply balm under these like I do with some lipsticks. The packaging is also very nice and secure and makes me feel like a fancier lady than I am, which is not at all.

Milk KUSH Lip Balm: For three years now, this (in the shade Plushberry) is always in the front pocket of my purse. When it runs down, I automatically buy another one. It’s my go-to, my workhorse, my MVP. Am I in love with it like the Ilia ones? No, but I do love that I can apply it blindly no matter what I’m wearing and it always looks good. I like that it’s moisturizing and a little minty, but not overpoweringly so. It includes hemp-derived cannabis sativa seed oil “to hydrate and calm” which is nonsense; it’s just good tinted lip balm. I also like its magnetic lid. Why doesn’t every lip product have a magnetic lid by now?!

KosaSport Lipfuel: I keep this (in the shade Pulse – I also tried the shade Rush but it was the exact shade of my mouth and served zero purpose) next to my computer in case of unexpected on-camera meetings, but it’s not one I reach for otherwise. It exists to make my lips not completely nude, but beyond that, I feel meh. It’s an elongated oval instead of a circle for some reason? Initially balmy but dries down really fast and you’d need actual lip balm after a while. Minty taste. “Lipfuel” is a terrible name for a product. Who is naming these and why isn’t it me? The product design also reminds me of what Tomorrowland looked like when EPCOT first opened in the early 80s. Gimme that Tron-ass makeup!

Fresh Sugar Lip Balm: I’ve owned many of these over the past several years, and some of the shades are nicer than others. The colors I liked always got discontinued, and they seem to be going more towards the brighter, less natural shades now. The application itself is very smooth and (dare I say) buttery, but the product feels too heavy and thick/patchy. It just sort of sits on top of your lips waiting to get smeared. These cost a lot for something that’s guaranteed to melt in your purse the first day it’s over 75 degrees.

French Girl Organics Le Lip Tint: I CAN’T with how dumb this brand and product name is, but Cerise is a pretty shade. Minty, just like the rest of them, and a weird side-shape like the Kosa. Just make it a circle, gang. You don’t need to reinvent le wheel here.

Chanel Les Beiges Healthy Glow Lip Balm – I own this, but I forget I own it. Every so often when I do a lip product cull I try it again and it always passes the test, but I never wear it. The shade Intense does the very basic job of making you look like a wholesome person who just came in from the cold while listening to Camera Obscura, so this might have been a dream product in 2009, but in 2022 it’s nothing to write home about. It was also $30, which is stupid.

Buxom Power-full Plump Lip Balm: This is overpriced garbage with a terrible name. It does nothing but cost $18 and make me feel dumb for being influenced into trying it.

Dior Addict Lip Glow: These sort of mood-ring products that claim to “awaken and enhance” each person’s natural lip color always just go Barbie pink on me. This feels like it could be repackaged by Wet n Wild and no one would know. Sneaky prestige kid makeup.

The Goop Lip Balm: I refuse to type out its actual long fake-ass given product name; it’s the goop lip balm, ok? I swore on my lifelong disgust for Gwyneth that I’d never reveal that I liked this, and I still think she’s a rich blonde version of the villain from Pete’s Dragon, BUT: I will admit that in a dizzying self-own, I bought this ~TWENTY DOLLAR~ lip balm to hate on but turned out to love it. It’s very good. There’s no flavor, no scent, it feels nice, and it moisturizes your lips. It’s second only to my beloved Avene, goddammit. So when I saw they offered it in new tinted versions, I bought it without hesitation, but both of the tinted shades go very brown on me and make me look like a 90s corpse. Gwyneth gets the last laugh again.

Jouer Essential Lip Enhancer Shine Balm: I have this in the shade Dahlia. It’s fine. I thought about buying it for months and then finally did, and it went straight to the bathroom shelf without the usual stopover first in the purse. It claims to be “a moisture-rich balm with a hint of color for smooth, shiny, baby-soft lips” and while I can’t argue with that, it’s a little too slidey and comes off quickly. Do you need it? Friend, you do not.

Jane Iredale Just Kissed Lip Stain: This (in shade “Forever Pink”) actually makes my mouth look like I’m 16 and have just made out in a steamy car for the last 35 minutes, minus the chapped lips and long lecture after. I would never have voluntarily tried this product or this shade (everything about it looks very “my aunt got me this from QVC”), but I got it as a sample and I liked it so much I bought the full size when I used it all up. After an hour or two, you do need lip balm though.

NOTO Multi-Benne Stain Stick: This brand looks cool, and I wanted to be cool. I’m only human! But it’s just not for me. I have this in the shade Oscillate, which is very minty and extremely bright and clownish on me, and hard to blend in as a blush. I know combo sticks are all the rage right now but I’m not a big fan of the concept; they’re either too oily on my cheeks or too drying on my lips, and don’t even talk to me about using a red/pink/orange lip color on my eyelids. I have prescription sunglasses and plantar fasciitis; I’m not trying to be on Euphoria. Also using the same stick on my mouth and face feels super unhygienic? Sorry, I’m ready for this trend to be over! That’s not all on NOTO but this stick was not my soulmate.

SIMIHAZE Velvet Blur Matte Lip Balm: (You have to write the name in all caps like that or both Simi and Haze, who are two young, vibrant, Kardashian-adjacent real people, will be mad at you.) I’d been tempted by these beauties before, but they were $36 and I read some reviews saying how the shades on the site weren’t how they looked in real life, so I put it out of my mind. Then my friend Jess texted me about them a few weeks later and I was tempted again, but now with an enabler. We went down many internet rabbit holes together trying to determine shades, then discovered they offered a mini version for $28 — which, don’t get me wrong, is still an asinine amount of money for such a tiny product. I’m ridiculous but I do know I’m ridiculous. We each picked two because we decided to really put our backs into it, and they arrived the same day to much texting and many selfies. I’m happy to report that I do think the colors on the website are pretty true to real life, and I’m pleased with the two I chose (Fever and Roseberry). They are very vivid and my preferred way to apply is dabbing my finger and blotting them on instead of straight from the bullet. The packaging is absolutely beautiful and part of its charm. Be aware that regardless of the name, these are not lip balms; they are lipsticks, but I’m fine with that. I’d also apply real lip balm before using them because I just can’t do a very dry matte lip, but that’s my personal preference. I don’t regret my purchase and in fact, I’m now tempted to buy Windburn. Yes I know I have a problem but I don’t see it as one!!

Violette_FR Bisou Balm: Oh MAN did this Instagram ad hook me. This is a complete scam. It claims to be a sheer matte lip tint, but I had to press it so hard against my lips to get any color that I felt like I was going to break it. The good news is it’s also incredibly drying and lasts about five minutes! Just set $25 on fire instead.

Sephora Lip Stories Balm: This is not a balm; it’s a sticky, shiny, gooey-ass lipstick. It gave me flashbacks to 2002, which I’ve done a pretty good job of removing from my mind. The only good thing about it is that it was cheap.

MD Solar Sciences Hydrating Sheer Tinted Balm: Who what now? Look, I have no idea; I saw this on the HSA website when I was using our HSA money at the end of the year and the most me thing ever is to throw a tinted lip balm into whatever purchase possible, so I did. I would find a way to buy a tinted lip balm at the vet’s office, and we don’t even have a pet. We will be in a foreign country and I will run into a corner drugstore with an open wound to buy a bandage and come out 18 minutes later with two tinted lip balms as well. I did not need this and you don’t either.

Up next on my list to try, because I will literally never stop: Korres Lip Butter Stick. But which shade??