The lip balm wars

Not to be too extra right off the bat but I have been on a search for the perfect lip balm my entire adult life. I have a habit of rubbing my lips together when I zone out (I caught myself doing it just as I wrote this), so I’m always in need of both a daytime and nighttime version.

In 2019 I finally found my daytime holy grail lip balm, and I knew it was really The One because I stopped looking after I found it. There are some things I enjoy the eternal search for, like the perfect shade of lipstick or a certain elusive scent, but with lip balm, this was about an X that Y’d my Z and now that I’ve found it, I feel devoted to the point of evangelism. It’s the most Oklahoman I’ve ever been.

Its official name is Eau Thermale Avène Cold Cream Nourishing Lip Balm, and you bet I cut and pasted that accent mark because I don’t know how to make one without googling. (It’s pronounced “ah-ven” for my fellow Cletuses.) I know this is going to sound a little much, but if you’re going to read this blog you’re either on this journey with me or not: this stuff feels like what I’ve always wanted a lip balm to feel like. It’s soft but not mushy, cool but not hard, and doesn’t sink in immediately but also doesn’t feel like it’s just coating your lips with wax. It feels rich but doesn’t have any taste or scent. It applies like a dream and it’s ok to focus on this, life is hard sometimes!

It costs $14, which yes, is a little steep for lip balm, but not if you’ve been spending $4 a tube on a million tubes for the past 20 years. Here’s another test it passed: after I’d been using it for a month, I bought three more: one for my desk, one for my purse, and one for my travel toiletries bag.

I’m not ashamed to spend $42 on lip balm. I am ashamed to say that I learned about this product from an Us Weekly online “article” featuring Kendall Jenner. I look at the Us website once a day as a sort of mind-erasing, palate-cleansing break from work, and sometimes it’s fun and ridiculous, but more and more I have no idea who they’re talking about because I don’t watch any reality shows. I have noticed that there are a lot more people named Stassi now than there were 10-15 years ago. I thought for a while that it was just one Stassi doing all this damage but apparently they are legion. There’s also someone named Chrishell. Sorry, I don’t know how you pronounce that one.

Anyway. A very good runner-up is Labello Original. My friend Erin recommended this a few years back and there’s one in my makeup bag right now. It feels very similar to the Avène but maybe not quite as rich, like a summer version. The original has no scent and no taste. I once bought the Hydro Care by mistake and it had a light scent, so I gave it to my husband who still uses it daily. I’ve also bought the Blackberry Shine tinted version, which is nice but that’s a whole other post. The Original is where it’s at. This is the lip balm Nivea wishes it was. It’s easier to buy in Europe than in the US, but you can get them on Amazon for under $10.

For nighttime, I need something stronger. For decades I’ve used Vaseline Lip Therapy in the squeezy white and blue tube, or Aquaphor Lip Repair (why did I not know about Aquaphor until having a baby?!), and they’re both great, cheap, and do the job. But sometimes you want to be precious about a routine, so a few years ago I got a sample of the Laneige Lip Sleeping Mask from Sephora.

First of all, “lip sleeping mask” is a zeitgeisty and misleading phrase; it’s just stuff you smear on your lips before you go to sleep. Cons: it has a bubblegum scent; it’s extremely sticky – it comes with a little… lip spatula? to apply it with? But like, where are you supposed to keep the sticky lip spatula after? In suspended animation? Am I supposed to clean it every day? I am not doing extra chores for my bullshit purchases! So I just use my finger, but then I have to wash my hands immediately after. Pros: it lasts forever – my sample lasted six months, and then I bought the full-size and it lasted a year; it’s very pink, which adds to the decadence factor; it works. Your lips don’t feel sticky a few minutes later, which made me skeptical as to how it would work all night long, but when I wake up, my lips feel smooth and soft. This is $20 but since it lasts me a full year, that doesn’t seem too outrageous. I mean, it’s still a little outrageous; the Vaseline is $3 and lasts me 3-4 months, but again, if you’re on this ride, that’s the price of admission.

Another fancy lady version of this is the Tatcha Kissu Lip Mask. It one-ups the Laneige by being both eight dollars more and a sort of luminescent jelly, which looks even schmancier:

It also comes with an even FANCIER lip spatula, if that’s even possible and don’t think for a minute there isn’t a group of people right this second focused on finding a way to outdo this with the next version. This spatula is gold. I mean, it’s not real gold. It’s definitely a cold, gold-colored metal. I don’t use this one either. If someone can tell me the logistics of where you store your $28 sticky lip spatula, I’m all ears.

The Kissu goes on much shinier than the Laneige, which initially set off alarm bells for me, a person who was an adult in the early 00s when everything was low-rise and shiny and I spent the majority of my time delicately freeing strands of my hair that had been captured by my own glossy mouth. NEVER AGAIN. (I also can’t stand the feel of a matte lip but that’s another whole other post.) Thankfully, the Kissu doesn’t feel especially tacky or sticky once it’s on my lips. It does feel thicker, which I liked. I’m sure there are people who wear these masks not just to bed but put them on their mouths to go out in the world and be seen, but these would both be too sticky for me in that regard. The Kissu also has no scent, which is important to me. It says it’s “an ultra-soothing jelly treatment of squalane and Japanese peach that softens, smooths, and helps restore for visibly plump, supple lips” which, ok. This doesn’t plump (which is good). It’s a $28 translucent goo that makes your lips sticky and then soft. I got mine free with a purchase and while I’ll use it up, I don’t see myself buying it when I run out. It doesn’t do enough to justify that price.

HOWEVER, if you want a thick lip protectant that also heals those tiny cracks you get in the corners of your mouth in very cold, dry weather, you want Lucas Papaw Ointment.

It’s pharmaceutical-grade petroleum jelly as a carrier for the active ingredient, fresh fermented papaw fruit. It doesn’t moisturize, but it does protect. It says on the side that you can also use it on burns, cuts, bug bites, cracked skin, open wounds, and diaper rash (it actually says nappy rash, because it’s from Australia). I’ve personally used it on burns, mosquito bites, small cuts, cracked dry skin, my child’s splinters, and my cuticles, and it’s great. It comes in larger tubs but I always buy the little tube as it’s easy to carry with me. It’ll run you about $5. (Credit where it’s due: I learned about Lucas Papaw Ointment from one of those “I’m a celebrity so buy this stuff” listicles featuring Aubrey Plaza, which are so clearly just a money grab but also my kryptonite. I also tried that deodorant she mentions and meh, don’t bother.)

In conclusion: if you want the cheap version of this post, get the Labello and the Vaseline. If you want some escapism, buy the Kissu. If you want to feel moisturized and protected, get the Avène and the Papaw.

Coming soon: tinted lip balms.